Having a Cow - The History of Bovines in Binary
Cows in video games are a bit of a novelty. In most mediums, they usually serve as the means to a quick and easy fart joke. However, amid the methane fog, these bovine beauties get their time to shine in all forms of media, and video games are no exception.
The Meating slaps you into the hooves of a ghost minotaur looking to put himself back together – and pretty literally, at that. Traveling and platforming across levels to find the missing pieces to his body, this ghastly representation of cows isn’t the only time they’ve been put into code. Here are a few other games that are utterly fantastic when it comes to their cows.
In Earthworm Jim, cows are everywhere, and in every game. Some are even pretty self-aware. It seems as though Jim is the only one who would moo-ve out of his way to help out the cows, so much so that they call him "Brahman Brahma" and worship him as a god. God of the Cows, that’s gigs gotta come with a lot of milk. Even if it didn’t I’d much prefer to be God of the Cows than Queen Slug-for-a-Butt.
For those who grew up in the 2000s, Barnyard was our Lion King. And when a game dropped for it, you bet your four utters that I begged my parents for it.
In retrospect, this mini-game oriented game was lacking a lot of depth and, for some reason, Otis had a cell phone. However, ten-year-old me loved it, and Barnyard successfully fueled my love for cows for the next few years.
The Cow King is a certified BAMF. This bull-nosed monster is horrifying mainly for the reason that he blends in with all of the other Hell Bovine. In a game like Diablo II, you want to know where all of the enemies at all times and the Cow King denies you that chance by blending in with the other bro-vine.
Pokémon Gold Edition
Did you know that a single cow can produce seven gallons of milk per day on average? Now imagine if that cow can also kick ass and take names for you. Well, imagine no longer, Miltank is here to make your dream a reality.
Weighing in at 166.4 pounds, a Miltank isn’t as beefy as it reality-based brethren, but with it being so small, it can make for one adorable house pet! Miltank packs a punch on the battlefield and is the companion of another bovinémon: Tauros.
Harvest Moon is a farming simulator, and what kind of farming simulator wouldn’t have cows? Here, cows take a more traditional role, producing milk daily.
They may not be as convenient or capable as a Miltank, but cows in Harvest Moon capture the animal's usefulness and value. Also, just look at how adorable it is.
Belle and Bessie are just two parts of the whole Animal Crossing community. These two lovable cows don’t get in your way and mostly keep to themselves. As you adventure on in Animal Crossing, you’ll begin to meet more cows and bulls throughout the various iterations: there’s Tipper and Stu and T-Bone and Chuck and Petunia and Carrot and Patty and… There’s just a lot, trust me on this one.
These are just a drop in the milk bucket of cows in video games. It's a long-standing, proud tradition, a tradition we are happy to continue with our ghost minotaur Kon. Perhaps one day he'll be worthy of sharing a graze with these other bovine heroes.
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